Thursday, July 7, 2011

So Cry Me A Fucking River

I could easily break your heart, let you go, make you cry.
I could easily make your heart bleed with pain and misery.
I could easily turn your life into a living hell and torture you inside and out.
I could simply tell you how worthless you really are and make your smiles never see the light of day ever again.
I can easily tell you the undying true story of how no one actually cares about you.
I can easily tell you your life's story of once upon a time and the end and explain in detail that you're nothing more that a piece of dirt stuck to the bottom of my very dirty heel.
I can simply show you how easy it is to find another you seeing it's easy finding a complete nobody.
I can easily shatter your hopes and dreams so finely you'd only pray to try and pick yourself up again.
I can easily lift your spirits up so high and let them go in a blink of an eye just to break them into tiny little miserable pieces.
I can easily jump start your life wires and pull the chords off the power source just to show how easy you are to ruin.
I can do so many things to you and i can easily break you so far down you won't want to get up.

But watching you fail all by yourself feels better.

Deep inside my heart, my modesty still on you.

For U ... I Will.

I almost gave up on making something of myself.
My emotions and thoughts had no connection, no communication with each other.
I had troubles dealing with things harder than i could handle.
My beliefs were a haywire.
My life was just as complicated as the situation we were going through.

My hopes and desires went flying out the window like a paper plane.
I wasn't in the position of starting something new, i had so much to deal with.
Whether it was alone or whether it had to do with someone else, i wasn't in.
My mind, my soul just wasn't there.
I felt emptiness empowering my body inch by inch and i couldn't do anything to stop it.

My problems and my inner voice kept telling me things i didn't want to hear.
I would scream just to try and keep them silenced but nothing ever worked.
I had to try to overcome something so strong, something so evil.
I had to overcome myself.

In the most hardest of times, when i felt down and i didn't want to continue even when someone pulled me up from the ground, dust me off and pushed me my way, i didn't move an inch.
When i was falling deeper and deeper into the hole i created for my insecurities, pain and judgement, i couldn't flex a muscle.
The furthest i'd go for myself was when i blinked my eye to help my tears run easier.
Even my tears needed a push to run it's way down my cheek, and straight to the floor.

Don't take this the wrong way.
I never needed help from anyone and i didn't need it from you.
I was never the kind of person that wanted to be taken care of.
I was always the girl that held her head up high even when i felt lower than soil.
I am a fighter, a born get-goer.
I never needed butterflies to keep me afloat, nor fishes in the sea to keep me swimming.

Once upon a time, i felt like a nobody and paranoia came naturally to me.
But that was once upon a time.
And unlike a fairytale beginning, i won't end this with a fairytale ending.
I'll make my life a full one, i'll go crazy and let go.
I'll fulfill my dreams and create something more for myself.
I will climb my highest lows and get through everyday like a cross-country.
It will cut me, bruise me and try to bring me down, but i have my dignity and my will power and i will continue to keep going even if i had one last breath to breathe.

That's what you call fighting and i'll definitely be the last one standing.

Keep Breathing My Guardian Angel, If You Go Down I Go With You

And as i wait for your return, i feel my organs slowly disintegrating forming into big piles of dust.

Your voice works as a lullaby therefore i can't sleep without it.

We are feeling the same things but it's me worrying more that one day you'll stop breathing.

Stay here for me. Stay here with me....